Gone Girl: The Lesson of Amy and Nick Living Inauthentically

I have wondered whether I am ‘real’. Whether I am being authentic and true to myself. We have a tendency to watch what we say around parents, co-workers, children, even certain friends and we do this because sometimes what we have to say is not going to be well received, so we keep our comments to ourselves. We keep things that may be a true expression of who we are under cover in order to keep the peace. And this was a thought I turned over in my head more than once while reading Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl.

Most of the commentary, (note spoilers will ensue, so you better have read the book or seen the movie) I’ve seen on this has been along the lines of, “She’s crazy!” and “Why the hell is he staying with her, kid or no kid?” And for what’s it worth, yes this lady, the Amazing Amy, is batshit nuts. But……but……..she’s also a product and a victim of not being “real.” Her parents never let her be a child, never let her not care about image or how one presents or appears to others. Having to live up to a fictional version of herself cost her terribly. And Nick was unfortunately no better. He didn’t have the type of childhood Amy did, but all the same he got caught up in image too. Rather than deal with his emotions in any healthful way (because he decided to be unlike and somehow ended up exactly like his father), he chose to veneer a smile across his face when all he wanted to do was punch someone.

In both cases, particularly as you near the end of the book and even with the movie, you see that these two people learned each others core personality without ever telling each other "I'm this..". Specifically what I mean is that: Amy had to learn when something was wrong with Nick because he didn’t really discuss it and Nick had to learn the depths of Amy’s neurosis and controlling nature from her behavior too. They never told each other who they were. Neither one of them saw themselves the way their did partner did until a crisis occurred. Then they honest with themselves. And for the record, the way Amy and Nick saw each other, happened to be who Amy and Nick really were, deep down.

Why on earth would two people put themselves through this god awful process of learning that their spouse was an entirely different person from the one they met and married? Because while this story is the extreme of what goes wrong, most of us do this: we put forth the best version of ourselves when we date or meet new people. Mind you this best version of ourselves may not be who we really are, sometimes not even a little bit, as was the case with Amy and Nick.

They were soooo unbelievably fake that neither Amy or Nick really knew themselves. And upon the stark and incredibly painful realization that they somehow managed to learn each other to their very depths, they decided (others opinions be damned) to stay with one another. Yes Nick was hijacked with his kid and seemingly forced to stay, but as much of the social commentary notes, not everyone would stay and deal with Amy’s particular brand of crazy, regardless of the circumstances. I believe this couple stays together because for better or worse, they get each other. And it took a tragedy for them to realize it.

So I would end this piece with; be utterly authentic when it comes to romance. Most of us occasionally find ourselves telling a white lie or holding off on saying something in order to have smoother social relations and that has its place. But in matters of romantic relationships, be yourself. If you’re neurotic, talkative, judgmental, a manipulator, are terrible at organizing your life, interested in the simple things rather than the height of culture, or any number of other things that make up a personality, just be that. Don’t go gallivanting into a whole new identity in order to snag someone. And for that matter, don’t go gallivanting into half or partial identities either. Because that shit will end in tears and heaven forbid you come across someone like Amy, it could well be the end of your life. #beauthentic #donotlie #betrue #loveyourselfdeeply

Santee Blakey is a Life Coach and Licensed Massage Therapist at Soul Growth Wellness. When she's not biking, reading, or biking, or reading (she needs new hobbies, suggest her some:-), she'll be writing and enjoying a caramel frappacino in her favorite Starbucks. Follow her on Youtube for her series --> Self Acceptance: What It's Really Like (A Journey).