I didn’t start out wanting to feel the shame I felt about my sexual expressions in life. By that I
mean, I didn’t want to feel bad or dirty or slutty or less than because I enjoy sex, a lot!
The problem was that I had a very strange experience with sexual expression. I played around a bit even as a kid, messing with various friends and exploring our bodies and sensations and such. I went on to do this as a teenager too. And then went on into my early adult hood doing even more exploring. Somewhere around my late 20’s, I started feeling shame.
"...speaking up for yourself, respecting and establishing boundaries, and releasing guilt and shame for sexual expression."
Why? Because of a couple of things I have left out. I also dealt with my fair share of being taken advantage of sexually, sometimes older boys, sometimes older men, sometimes my peers. And the result was always the same; I ended up being sexually active in a situation that I was not entirely comfortable with and I had no clue what to do about it.
Cue this recent, but long fomenting explosion in speaking up for yourself, respecting and establishing boundaries, and releasing guilt and shame for sexual expression. It’s a revolution and it is all over the interwebs and I am here for it!
"I ended up being sexually active in a situation that I was not entirely comfortable with and I had no clue what to do about it. "
Partly because I was a fan of this for years in my youth. I was familiar with the bra burning era of decades past. I was familiar with female rappers in the 90’s shaking it for the camera and feeling empowered by it. I was familiar with my own wild and free escapades in back seats of cars, wonderful forays in city parks (I had an exhibitionism streak:-) and the like.
But the real reason I’m mentioning all this is to say, despite the freedom I championed in my own life and the lives of my female crew of friends, I still found myself feeling dirty and guilty.
It has taken deep work and ongoing work to recognize that being taken advantage of is not a right of passage of womanhood. That I am not at fault – involved - but to not blame for feelings of insecurity and shame and helplessness that ensued.
Like many women I wasn’t taught to speak up for myself. Not because I had bad parenting, but because my mom didn’t know about it either. You know to fight when attacked. But what about when you’re in the bedroom, the lights are low, you were feeling pretty hot and heavy, but this person calls you a name that’s a turn off? They put there hands somewhere you don’t like? Half way through you feel utterly disconnected, but continue so they can ‘finish’?
"It has taken deep work and ongoing work to recognize that being taken advantage of is not a right of passage of womanhood."
It’s these experiences that brought about feelings of shame; not wanting to sexually and sensually express myself and share my body and energy with another person of my choosing and liking. What a revelation it was to see this!
At the moment I am, now in my late 30’s slowly, but steadily working on telling my partner(s) what I like, where I like it, and when I’m done, I’m done. Period.
I wish I could say that I feel peaceful or perfectly empowered in trying this out, because actually it’s tough establishing boundaries and creating new habits of communication. I know that even while anxious, I’m also excited to continue feeling this awareness of my body and my rights to my body and my person, in a way I never felt before. It’s a truly heady journey to be on. But I hope in sharing it I also let others know that it’s okay to be unclear and have some processing and work to do to get where you feel comfortable in the bedroom.
Sexual expression is such a wonderful, even at times sacred experience, and everybody involved, especially you, need to enjoy and explore safely without guilt or shame. Happy hunting on finding your pleasure zone!
A special shout out to Hitomi Mochizuki on YouTube for inspiring me to write this and continue my journey of sexual exploration and sexual healing! Check out one of her great videos here.
Santee Blakey is a Life Coach and Licensed Massage Therapist at Soul Growth Wellness. When she's not biking, reading, or biking, or reading (she needs new hobbies, suggest her some:-), she'll be writing and enjoying a caramel frappacino in her favorite Starbucks (this is obviously pre-Covid) *sigh*. Follow her on Youtube for her series --> Self Acceptance: What It's Really Like (A Journey).
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