I didn’t know in my youth that I was responsible for my own feelings. I mean I was aware that I should have self control. I had even heard Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote about, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
But you know how you can be exposed to something, but some how still not know it? Like Generation Z having heard what a dial tone is, but never really understood what it was for. That was me in my teen and early adult years. I didn’t know that I was responsible for my feelings. Mrs. Roosevelt’s quote sounded deep, but what exactly did I get out of being in charge of my own feelings?
"Freedom to be me. Freedom to be disliked. Freedom to be loved profoundly. Freedom to cock it all up."
As far as I was concerned, your reactions were responsible for how I felt about me and if you didn’t respond to me well, well I was just going to have a melt down because of it. And it would be all your fault. There.
That’s a confession. Please tell me I’m not alone in that. **nervous laughter**
Nowadays, your reaction still has more power than I would like. But I know what I get out of being responsible for how I feel; freedom. Freedom to be me. Freedom to be disliked. Freedom to be loved profoundly. Freedom to cock it all up (I have been around too many brits lately.)
So how did I begin to understand that being responsible for my feelings was a vastly superior option to letting others behaviors towards me or opinions of me determine how I was going to feel that day?
Excruciatingly low self esteem. And what you do when you have low self esteem. Here’s the evidence:
- crying spells about a small slight
- overthinking every interaction I had with someone
- believing in my utter lack of ‘enoughness’
- seeking approval with kind words, compliments, and male attention
- changing what opinion I voiced depending on where I was
That list is not exhaustive. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe you’ve been here? Maybe you are here now?
I’d love to say I had THE ANSWER to this, but the reality is far more complicated and nuanced than a sentence and life affirming quote to fix all your self esteem woes.
What I will say has worked for me so far (and it’s progressing, slowly, but it’s happening). I practice self love and self respect – behaviorally – and eventually the feelings themselves start to surface within me. My practice of self love and self respect include the following:
- speaking up for what I want in the bedroom
- exercising regularly to keep my spirits up
- relaxing purposely and for extended bouts
- sharing my real opinions
- speaking positively to myself and if I get abusive, back tracking and saying something
uplifting instead
Again this list is not exhaustive. But little by little I see my capacity to love me shift in the direction of YESSSS, rather than maybe?
Sometimes act as if or fake it ‘til you make it work. Astoundingly, cliches have a place in self development just as much as the weighty gravitas of an Eckhart Tolle book. May you find your path to self love, growth, and inner peace in whatever manner works best for you. Because in some ways, it is all about you.
Santee Blakey is a Life Coach and Licensed Massage Therapist at Soul Growth Wellness. When she's not biking, reading, or biking, or reading (she needs new hobbies, suggest her some:-), she'll be writing and enjoying a caramel frappacino in her favorite Starbucks (this is obviously pre-Covid) *sigh*. Follow her on Youtube for her series --> Self Acceptance: What It's Really Like (A Journey).
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