So I’m a wellness expert. Okay…so what does that mean? Essentially I know some of the best ways to life an authentic, happy, and healthy existence. But, I can not seem to let myself off the hook of perfection. Let me explain and give some background, I’ve been doing some deep self reflection in the past few weeks, in thanks to Covid-19.
I regularly practice introspection like journaling and meditating anyway, but I’ve been especially inward gazing as of late. And wouldn’t you know I came upon a nice juicy nugget of incongruence. In life coaching or therapy, an incongruence is where you’re going in seemingly opposite directions from the same place. An example of this, you want to lose weight, but you eat lots and lots of snacks. Your desire is for a change, your behavior however is self defeating.
So what’s my incongruence? When I try my hardest, I can’t list 3 or more nice or positive things about myself that I believe are true. I can however, list a dozen or more negatives swiftly and believe every single assessment made. That’s not self love. I KNOW. I’m struggling here, lol.
Me trying to self love!
Based on life coaching techniques, beliefs, and doing the inner work, it goes something like this: If I’m not generous 100% of the time, then I’m not a generous person. I can however be irresponsible in a decision or two any given week and think, “I’m a wholly irresponsible person!” So basically I only have to engage in a negative action a little bit, and my mind goes “I’m obviously worthless.” Or I can engage in a positive action, fairly regularly but not perfectly and thusly my mind comes to the conclusion, “I cannot possibly attribute one good trait to myself because I don’t exhibit it 100% of the time.” And the kicker? I absolutely give others the benefit of not sitting on this alter of ridiculous expectation. I can give it to others, but not to myself.
Makes so much sense, right?!! Like any good psychotherapist would say, this probably has roots in my childhood and I’ve just carried this incongruence with me well into adulthood. I have not done the deep dive into my psyche on this one yet. But rest assured I will do so soon, if only to pass along the information to others that may be of help.
In the meantime though, I need a way to feel more positive about myself stat! So I’m practicing self compassion. Giving myself a break for being this annoying little thing called a human being, error prone no doubt, but beautiful in my own way too. For me self compassion has two components: my thoughts and my actions. I can stay in a negative self talk loop, or I can remind myself for instance, “I did a workout today! Maybe I am responsible sometimes.” Ultimately changing the quality of my thoughts and self perception because I’m consciously acknowledging when I’ve done well. And being gentle and kind with myself when my behavior did not meet my self imposed expectations.
As for actions, I ask questions like: am I resting enough? Engaging in enjoyable reading enough? Limiting social media and phone time? Exercising? Taking walks periodically to break up the monotony of the day? Focusing on gratitude, not fear? If I’m taking these actions, then I’m practicing self compassion too, because I’m practicing self care.
I certainly know I’m not the only one running around with a major cognitive distortion that wreaks havoc on my ability to rationally process my behavior and reach more sensible conclusions. But I’m human, right? Gotta have some irrational beliefs running around my mind from time to time, it’s only natural and provides an excellent opportunity to practice self love because I’m flawed. If perfection really existed, then we wouldn’t really be exercising the fullest extent of love and grace, for ourselves and for others.
Santee Blakey is a Life Coach and Licensed Massage Therapist at Soul Growth Wellness. When she's not biking, reading, or biking, or reading (she needs new hobbies, suggest her some:-), she'll be writing and enjoying a caramel frappacino in her favorite Starbucks (this is obviously pre-Covid) *sigh*. Follow her on Youtube for her series --> Self Acceptance: What It's Really Like (A Journey).
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