So I’ve been listening to some music recently. New music for me. It’s the suggested list, “I’m feeling myself” on Spotify. And it’s interesting. There are definitely a few trends I could talk about concerning this list, but one that stuck out to me was the content and specifically the content about guys spending money on the women in the songs. It was pretty clear that spending this money was expected, encouraged, and that there was even a transactional quality to it. “Give me nice things, you can have access to my body,” type of stuff. Now I want to say upfront that I support actual sex work. It needs to be legalized or at least decriminalized. And we need to let go of the stigma because truth be told besides the oldest profession in the world argument, when done well it’s an excellent way to relieve a woman’s poverty. Plenty of people will disagree with me on that, oh well. But I’d thought I’d be honest about where I stand on sex as commerce.
But I get the distinct impression that something else is going in these songs. And for that matter the people who listen to them and like them or even use them as some sort of anthem. I could be wrong and giving entirely too much credit, but I wonder if people who feel that their partner spending money on them believe this is a sign of love. I’ve heard of the argument that some folks are just materialistic and greedy and therefore don’t really understood love to begin with. I hear you all on that. I do.
But I wonder if underneath that very obvious transactional quality if some women see this exchange as the best they can hope for. In a capitalist and ultimately almost post-agricultural society, your work is how you make money and what you spend your money on denotes what is important and valuable to you. It’s not a stretch then to think that some women might believe, “If he spends his money on me, then I must be important to him.” And indeed in Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, he writes that one way people feel loved and show love is to receive and give gifts.
However in the everyday lives of couples around the country and certainly in these songs there is an expectation of this behavior. Rather than it being a nice thing to do from time to time, it’s seen as a rule and not just a gesture of love among many other ways it can be shown in the relationship. Furthermore, it creates a rather rigid set of circumstances because when the money is spent, the male feels owed something and if she doesn’t deliver, it can lead to arguments, disrespect and even outright violence in the extreme.
It’s obviously a problem, right? And who is to blame? Capitalism? Men? Women? Both? I imagine that gifts that require money will ultimately mean different things to different people. Some will see it as a nice gesture, others will see it as a right. I doubt we’ll abolish the latter interpretation, but I suppose we can change its practice in everyday life. I know what concerns me most is that young girls and teenagers listen to this music and if someone isn’t telling them this music is for fun and not a realistic or even healthy expression of a loving relationship, they might go into their own adult relationships thinking, believing, and behaving as ”money spent=love”.
I guess the change I propose to this rather entrenched relational paradigm rests more in hope than a specific action. Maybe after a few false starts women come to learn that the heart is more important than the wallet. And after a few false starts for the men, they come to understand that generosity of spirit is a far more worthy thing to give than part of what they make every week. Per the title of my business, Soul Growth Wellness, I believe sharing of the soul is a much better endeavor than any amount of money or sex and I hope others grow into that understanding as well. Namaste.
This is the start of a series. Might be 3 or 4 parts, I haven’t gotten a whole structure yet. Check back for the other parts in the coming weeks!
Santee Blakey is a Life Coach and Licensed Massage Therapist at Soul Growth Wellness. When she's not biking, reading, or biking, or reading (she needs new hobbies, suggest her some:-), she'll be writing and enjoying a caramel frappacino in her favorite Starbucks (this is obviously pre-Covid) *sigh*. Follow her on Youtube for her series --> Self Acceptance: What It's Really Like (A Journey).
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